WEEK 7

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. Dead heat on the standings page: Lucy's Finest 2-4, Abu Jabal 3-3. Somebody's about to learn which .500 team was lying. Whatever happens, remember: the booth predicted it, retroactively, with confidence.

Abu Jabal over Lucy's Finest, 102.6-72.1. The box score reads like a shrug, and the booth respects an honest shrug. A rock fight: 174.7 total. Somewhere, both benches outscored both starting lineups, and nobody wants to talk about it. Karim banks it and sits at 4-3. Somewhere a projection model feels validated. Briefly. Ahmad drops to 2-5, and somewhere his bench players are demanding a trade to the starting lineup.

Every week I say it can't get dumber. Every week this league accepts the challenge. Zaid sits at 5-1, Issa at 4-2, and the only real separation between them is whose kicker shows up. Campaign Papi rides a 3-game heater into this one. Regression is undefeated, but sure, enjoy the moment. See you at the final whistle, where one of these paragraphs becomes prophecy.

FINAL: 121.1 to 93.3. Issa did what good teams do; Zaid did what Zaid does. That's 5-2 for Issa. Say what you want about the man — the booth certainly will — but the wins are real. Zaid falls to 5-2. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' On paper this is a coin flip: Ninjer at 3-3, Team Mohammad at 3-3. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

Team Mohammad handles business, 117.7-95.7. Omar A. will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Mustafa climbs to 4-3, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Now 3-4, Omar A. enters the part of the season where 'mathematically alive' does a lot of heavy lifting.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. Dilmeisters (5-1) is the clear favorite over Be my Jaan Robinson (0-6), and if you disagree, congratulations, you must be Adel. Be my Jaan Robinson has lost 6 straight, which by my math is 6 more consecutive losses than a competently managed franchise should allow. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

FINAL: Be my Jaan Robinson 149.0, Dilmeisters 130.8. Workmanlike win for Adel. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Upset alert delivered. Be my Jaan Robinson (0-6) just clipped Dilmeisters (5-1), and I want you to know Adil absolutely saw this coming and started the wrong guys anyway. League-best 149.0 for Adel this week. The booth acknowledges excellence the way it acknowledges everything: reluctantly. Adel improves to 1-6 and has earned exactly one week of walking slightly taller. Use it wisely. Adil sits at 5-2 and has begun using the phrase 'points against' unprompted. A cry for help.

History will remember this game. Briefly. Then it will remember something funnier. McCafre at 4-2 should handle this. Of course, 'should' is the most dangerous word in this league, usually spoken right before Tarick ruins someone's weekend. Tarick rides a 3-game skid into this one, and the vibes in that locker room — a phone, in a pocket — are grim. Lineups lock soon. So do fates.

126.3-104.7, McCafre over Balls Deep. A professional beating. Not a memorable one, just a thorough one. 5-2. Yousef played the odds and, for once, the odds played along. Tarick is now 1-6, and the tape suggests that's generous.

Good evening from the booth, where hope comes to be audited. fantasy sucks has been humming along at 4-2. Omar’s B*tches is sitting at 2-4 and calling it a rebuilding year. In a redraft league. Think about that. Losers of 3 straight, Omar’s B*tches is one more bad Sunday from the booth calling it a lifestyle. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Omar H. banks the W, 76.3-63.2, and moves on with his life. Hamed is advised to attempt the same. Omar H. (2-4) beats Hamed (4-2), proving once again that in this league, pedigree is a rumor. A combined 139.5 points. I've covered scoreless soccer friendlies with more offense. Both lineups should apologize to the sport. The week's basement belongs to fantasy sucks at 63.2. The booth extends its condolences to the roster, who deserved better management. Omar H. is 3-4 now. The booth has updated his file from 'concerning' to 'under review.' That's 4-3 for Hamed, whose season is now best described as 'a rebuilding year for morale.'