WEEK 6

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. Karim (3-2) and Zaid (4-1) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

FINAL: Campaign Papi 101.2, Abu Jabal 93.2. Workmanlike win for Zaid. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. A combined 194.4 points. I've covered scoreless soccer friendlies with more offense. Both lineups should apologize to the sport. Zaid improves to 5-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Karim is now 3-3, and the tape suggests that's generous.

The film doesn't lie, and unfortunately for one of these teams, I've watched it. Ninjer has been humming along at 3-2. Lucy's Finest is sitting at 1-4 and calling it a rebuilding year. In a redraft league. Think about that. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

By 1.9 points, Ahmad takes it, 105.2-103.3. Games this close are decided by benches, kickers, and the gods, and none of them like Omar. And that, friends, is an upset. Ahmad came in at 1-4, looked across at Omar's 3-2 juggernaut, and simply did not care. Beautiful, chaotic, disrespectful football. Ahmad climbs to 2-4, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Omar falls to 3-3. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' Shamjesus has been humming along at 3-2. Be my Jaan Robinson is sitting at 0-5 and calling it a rebuilding year. In a redraft league. Think about that. Be my Jaan Robinson has lost 5 straight, which by my math is 5 more consecutive losses than a competently managed franchise should allow. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

Shamjesus handles business, 113.1-81.4. Adel will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. A combined 194.5 points. I've covered scoreless soccer friendlies with more offense. Both lineups should apologize to the sport. Adel's 81.4 was the lowest score in the league this week. The LOWEST. Out of twelve teams. I need everyone to sit with that. Issa improves to 4-2. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Adel falls to 0-6. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

I've broken down the matchups. One of them broke down right back. Mustafa (2-3) and Tarick (1-4) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

148.9-131.3, Team Mohammad over Balls Deep. A professional beating. Not a memorable one, just a thorough one. Mustafa's 148.9 was the top score in the league this week. Enjoy it. Peaks like this are usually followed by cliffs. Mustafa moves to 3-3. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Tarick is now 1-5, and the tape suggests that's generous.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. The spread on this one is roughly Adil's ego, which is to say: enormous. 4-1 against 2-3 doesn't lie. Dilmeisters rides a 3-game heater into this one. Regression is undefeated, but sure, enjoy the moment. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Dilmeisters handles business, 139.1-119.4. Omar will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Adil climbs to 5-1, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Omar drops to 2-4 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. McCafre (3-2) versus fantasy sucks (4-1). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. fantasy sucks rides a 4-game heater into this one. Regression is undefeated, but sure, enjoy the moment. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

McCafre escapes 115.4-110.7. Hamed lost by 4.7 points and will now spend the entire week doing lineup autopsy. As they should. Yousef moves to 4-2. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Hamed drops to 4-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.