WEEK 3

The film doesn't lie, and unfortunately for one of these teams, I've watched it. The spread on this one is roughly Karim's ego, which is to say: enormous. 2-0 against 0-2 doesn't lie. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

Balls Deep handles business, 126.4-114.9. Karim will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Tarick climbs to 1-2, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. As for Karim: 2-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

You wanted analysis. I brought a scalpel. Omar’s B*tches (1-1) versus Be my Jaan Robinson (0-2). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

156.6-126.1, Omar’s B*tches over Be my Jaan Robinson. A professional beating. Not a memorable one, just a thorough one. That 156.6 from Omar’s B*tches led the entire league this week. Even I have to tip the cap. Briefly. It's back on now. Omar improves to 2-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. As for Adel: 0-3 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. On paper this is a coin flip: fantasy sucks at 1-1, Ninjer at 1-1. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

FINAL: fantasy sucks 143.7, Ninjer 109.1. Workmanlike win for Hamed. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Hamed improves to 2-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Omar drops to 1-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. On paper this is a coin flip: McCafre at 1-1, Campaign Papi at 2-0. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

McCafre handles business, 120.8-84.7. Zaid will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Campaign Papi posted 84.7, the league's worst mark of the week. Frame it. Study it. Never speak of it again. Yousef moves to 2-1. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Zaid falls to 2-1. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Grab your popcorn. One of these rosters was built by a genius, the other by a group chat dare. Dilmeisters (1-1) versus Lucy's Finest (0-2). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Dilmeisters handles business, 125.9-109.4. Ahmad will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Adil climbs to 2-1, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. As for Ahmad: 0-3 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. On paper this is a coin flip: Team Mohammad at 1-1, Shamjesus at 2-0. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

Team Mohammad 155.8, Shamjesus 107.8. In the film room we call that a 'teaching tape.' Issa, you were the lesson. Mustafa moves to 2-1. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. As for Issa: 2-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.