SEASON 2023

PLAYOFF WEEK 17

← Wk 16
Week HighAdil186.7
Week LowMustafa97.0
THE WEEKLY REPORT: we watched every lineup. Some of you should be in prison.

It's the postseason now, which means the mediocrity has consequences. Adil hung 186.7 on Yousef and never looked back, winning by 44.4 in the week's designated execution.

Adil dropped a league-best 186.7, which buys exactly one week of trash talk credit. Mustafa brought up the rear with 97.0, a number you can achieve by autodrafting and losing your phone.

That's the report. Complaints can be filed directly into the group chat where they belong.

CHAMPIONSHIP
Adil
(Dilmeisters)
186.7@142.3
Yousef
(McCafre)
Pregame · The Booth

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. THE CHAMPIONSHIP. Everything these two have done all season was just the opening act for this. One of them gets a trophy. The other gets my honest opinion. Yousef (12-3) and Adil (12-4) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. Yousef has won 4 straight, and has started walking around like they invented zone-read analytics. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

Postgame · The Booth

CHAMPIONS. Dilmeisters takes the title over McCafre, 186.7 to 142.3. Adil played the season like a chess match. Yousef played the final like it was checkers. History books, open up. A combined 329.0 points in this one. Absolute track meet. Defense is optional in fantasy and both of these teams treated scoring like a personal vendetta. Adil's 186.7 was the top score in the league this week. Enjoy it. Peaks like this are usually followed by cliffs.

CONSOLATION
Omar H.
(Omar’s B*tches)
98.3@126.3
Karim
(Abu Jabal)
Pregame · The Booth

I've broken down the matchups. One of them broke down right back. It's the toilet bowl circuit, folks, where pride goes to die and waiver claims go unclaimed. Karim (8-8) and Omar (8-8) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

Postgame · The Booth

126.3-98.3, Abu Jabal over Omar’s B*tches. A professional beating. Not a memorable one, just a thorough one. A consolation win for Karim, which is like winning an argument in the parking lot after the bar closed. Congratulations, technically.

CONSOLATION
Hamed(RIP 💀)
(fantasy sucks)
113.7@112.2
Zaid
(Campaign Papi)
Pregame · The Booth

You wanted analysis. I brought a scalpel. It's the toilet bowl circuit, folks, where pride goes to die and waiver claims go unclaimed. Campaign Papi has been humming along at 10-6. fantasy sucks is sitting at 7-8 and calling it a rebuilding year. In a redraft league. Think about that. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

Postgame · The Booth

FINAL: fantasy sucks survives Campaign Papi, 113.7-112.2. A 1.5-point margin. That's not a win, that's a coin flip with better marketing. And that, friends, is an upset. Hamed came in at 7-8, looked across at Zaid's 10-6 juggernaut, and simply did not care. Beautiful, chaotic, disrespectful football. A consolation win for Hamed, which is like winning an argument in the parking lot after the bar closed. Congratulations, technically.

CONSOLATION
Ahmad
(Lucy's Finest)
101.5@97.0
Mustafa
(Team Mohammad)
Pregame · The Booth

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' It's the toilet bowl circuit, folks, where pride goes to die and waiver claims go unclaimed. Team Mohammad (7-9) versus Lucy's Finest (6-10). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Postgame · The Booth

Lucy's Finest escapes 101.5-97.0. Mustafa lost by 4.5 points and will now spend the entire week doing lineup autopsy. As they should. Mustafa's 97.0 was the lowest score in the league this week. The LOWEST. Out of twelve teams. I need everyone to sit with that. A consolation win for Ahmad, which is like winning an argument in the parking lot after the bar closed. Congratulations, technically.

CONSOLATION
Omar A.
(Ninjer)
148.7@99.0
Adel(RIP 💀)
(Be my Jaan Robinson)
Pregame · The Booth

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. It's the toilet bowl circuit, folks, where pride goes to die and waiver claims go unclaimed. Be my Jaan Robinson (7-9) is the clear favorite over Ninjer (5-10), and if you disagree, congratulations, you must be Omar. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

Postgame · The Booth

Ninjer hangs 148.7 on Be my Jaan Robinson, who answered with 99.0. I've seen preseason walkthroughs with more competitive fire. Ninjer takes the consolation matchup. The prize is dignity, partially refunded.