WEEK 1

You wanted analysis. I brought a scalpel. fantasy sucks and Abu Jabal open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

81.2-66.1, Abu Jabal over fantasy sucks. A professional beating. Not a memorable one, just a thorough one. 147.3 total points between them. The real loser here was every single person who watched. Hamed's 66.1 was the lowest score in the league this week. The LOWEST. Out of twelve teams. I need everyone to sit with that. Karim improves to 1-0. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. As for Hamed: 0-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. McCafre and Omar’s B*tches open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

Omar’s B*tches escapes 112.5-111.0. Yousef lost by 1.5 points and will now spend the entire week doing lineup autopsy. As they should. Omar moves to 1-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Yousef falls to 0-1. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. Dilmeisters and Balls Deep open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

FINAL: Dilmeisters survives Balls Deep, 104.8-102.2. A 2.6-point margin. That's not a win, that's a coin flip with better marketing. Adil moves to 1-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Tarick drops to 0-1 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. Team Mohammad and Be my Jaan Robinson open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

Team Mohammad escapes 104.6-101.8. Adel lost by 2.8 points and will now spend the entire week doing lineup autopsy. As they should. Mustafa moves to 1-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Adel drops to 0-1 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. Shamjesus and Ninjer open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Shamjesus escapes 107.3-102.5. Omar lost by 4.8 points and will now spend the entire week doing lineup autopsy. As they should. Issa moves to 1-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Omar drops to 0-1 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. Lucy's Finest and Campaign Papi open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Let's see whose projections were lies.

FINAL: Campaign Papi 156.8, Lucy's Finest 85.7. That wasn't a matchup, that was a public service announcement about roster construction. Zaid's 156.8 was the top score in the league this week. Enjoy it. Peaks like this are usually followed by cliffs. Zaid moves to 1-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Ahmad is now 0-1, and the tape suggests that's generous.