WEEK 1

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. fantasy sucks and Abu Jabal open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. May the best roster win, and may the worst manager notice.

Abu Jabal over fantasy sucks, 81.2-66.1. The box score reads like a shrug, and the booth respects an honest shrug. The two teams combined for 147.3, a number so small it qualifies for legal protection. Hamed scored 66.1, the lowest in the league, a number that will follow him into at least three future write-ups. Starting now. Karim banks it and sits at 1-0. Somewhere a projection model feels validated. Briefly. Hamed is now 0-1, and the tape suggests that's generous.

Ladies and gentlemen, a football game. Allegedly. McCafre and Omar’s B*tches open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Buckle up. The projections have chosen violence.

112.5-111.0, decided by 1.5. Both men aged a year. The booth enjoyed every minute. 1-0 for Omar H., who gets to spend a full week believing his own process. Dangerous stuff. Now 0-1, Yousef enters the part of the season where 'mathematically alive' does a lot of heavy lifting.

This is the matchup the schedule-maker circled, presumably while laughing. Dilmeisters and Balls Deep open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

By 2.6 points, Adil takes it, 104.8-102.2. Games this close are decided by benches, kickers, and the gods, and none of them like Tarick. Winner winner: Adil at 1-0. The trajectory is real. So is the schedule. We'll see. Tarick drops to 0-1 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

The stakes: pride, standings, and the right to be smug in a group chat. Team Mohammad and Be my Jaan Robinson open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. The booth's official forecast: chaos, with a chance of somebody blaming their kicker.

It came down to 2.8 points. Team Mohammad gets the win; Be my Jaan Robinson gets the recurring dream about it. 1-0. Mustafa played the odds and, for once, the odds played along. As for Adel: 0-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

I've broken down the matchups. One of them broke down right back. Shamjesus and Ninjer open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

A 4.8-point finish, 107.3 to 102.5. The margin of a missed extra point, a wrong flex, or a cruel and personal universe. Issa is 1-0 now. The booth has updated his file from 'concerning' to 'under review.' Omar A. sits at 0-1 and has begun using the phrase 'points against' unprompted. A cry for help.

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' Lucy's Finest and Campaign Papi open the 2023 campaign with clean records and dirty secrets on their benches. Enjoy the optimism. It won't last. The tape rolls at kickoff. The excuses roll shortly after.

Zaid put 156.8 on the board; Ahmad responded with 85.7 and, presumably, a formal apology to his roster. Zaid's 156.8 was the top score in the league this week. Enjoy it. Peaks like this are usually followed by cliffs. Zaid improves to 1-0. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. 0-1 for Ahmad. Every loss has a lesson; this one's lesson was 'stop doing that.'