WEEK 2

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. Okashah (1-0) and Tarick (1-0) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. Somebody tell the benches to stay warm. They usually outscore the starters around here.

By 4.7 points, Tarick takes it, 119.1-114.4. Games this close are decided by benches, kickers, and the gods, and none of them like Okashah. Tarick moves to 2-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Okashah falls to 1-1. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. On paper this is a coin flip: Follicle Failure at 0-1, Fourth and Bald at 0-1. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

Fourth and Bald handles business, 157.3-129.9. Omar will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Aziz's 157.3 was the top score in the league this week. Enjoy it. Peaks like this are usually followed by cliffs. Aziz climbs to 1-1, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Omar drops to 0-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. Zaid (1-0) and Ahmad (1-0) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Juicy Lucy handles business, 145.7-116.2. Zaid will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Ahmad moves to 2-0. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. Zaid falls to 1-1. The good news: it can't get worse. The bad news: I said that last week too.

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' Omar (0-1) and Issa (0-1) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

Final score 141.9 to 94.3. Omar won by 47.6, which in this league is less a victory and more a formal humiliation. Issa's 94.3 was the lowest score in the league this week. The LOWEST. Out of twelve teams. I need everyone to sit with that. Omar improves to 1-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Issa drops to 0-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Strap in, folks. Somebody's week is about to be ruined, and I get paid to watch. On paper this is a coin flip: Band$ Emeka Dance at 0-1, Talkin Tua Teenager at 1-0. On tape, it's two teams praying the other starts the wrong flex. Kickoff's coming. Set your lineups, say your prayers.

Talkin Tua Teenager hangs 148.7 on Band$ Emeka Dance, who answered with 105.0. I've seen preseason walkthroughs with more competitive fire. Adil improves to 2-0. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Karim drops to 0-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

You wanted analysis. I brought a scalpel. Mustafa (0-1) and Yousef (1-0) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. On to the action, where the points are made up and the projections don't matter.

Forbes 30 Under 5'5 handles business, 128.7-111.7. Yousef will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Mustafa moves to 1-1. A real analyst would call that momentum. I'll call it a stay of execution. As for Yousef: 1-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.