WEEK 2

Another week, another chance for these two to embarrass their draft boards. Karim (0-1) and Omar (0-1) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

Hock Tua handles business, 146.2-119.0. Omar will tell you it was closer than the score. The score disagrees, and the score was there. Karim improves to 1-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. Omar is now 0-2, and the tape suggests that's generous.

You wanted analysis. I brought a scalpel. Shia Killer (0-1) versus Mohammad's Dolphins Team (1-0). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

FINAL: Shia Killer 125.1, Mohammad's Dolphins Team 112.7. Workmanlike win for Tarick. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Tarick climbs to 1-1, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Okashah drops to 1-1 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Grab your popcorn. One of these rosters was built by a genius, the other by a group chat dare. Adel (0-1) and Yousef (1-0) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. Let's see whose projections were lies.

FINAL: Be my Jaan Robinson 148.5, Pirated CDs 130.8. Workmanlike win for Adel. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Adel improves to 1-1. Credit where due, and I do mean the bare minimum of credit. As for Yousef: 1-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

Grab your popcorn. One of these rosters was built by a genius, the other by a group chat dare. Omar (1-0) and Adil (1-0) come in dead even on paper, which is a polite way of saying neither has earned my respect. Let's see whose projections were lies.

FINAL: Omar✅Yousef✅Oak Next 121.8, Ninjer 85.6. Workmanlike win for Adil. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Ninjer posted 85.6, the league's worst mark of the week. Frame it. Study it. Never speak of it again. Adil climbs to 2-0, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. As for Omar: 1-1 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.

Two managers enter. One leaves pretending they 'didn't even check their lineup.' Bidet (0-1) versus Team Mohammad (1-0). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. My prediction? Pain. Beautifully quantifiable pain.

FINAL: Team Mohammad 108.3, Bidet 89.7. Workmanlike win for Mustafa. Nothing pretty about it, but neither is this league. Mustafa climbs to 2-0, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. Zaid drops to 0-2 and is officially in 'blame the projections' territory.

Welcome back to the only league where the tape never lies and neither do I. Lucy's Finest (1-0) versus Shamjesus (0-1). Vegas calls this a pick'em. I call it mutually assured mediocrity. Let's see whose projections were lies.

Lucy's Finest 161.5, Shamjesus 120.2. In the film room we call that a 'teaching tape.' Issa, you were the lesson. That 161.5 from Lucy's Finest led the entire league this week. Even I have to tip the cap. Briefly. It's back on now. Ahmad climbs to 2-0, and for one week, the film room has nothing bad to say. Enjoy the silence. As for Issa: 0-2 now. At some point it stops being bad luck and starts being a body of work.